That's it
by Ruthyroo
Summary: A one shot after tonight's E4 episode. Stendan. Brendan's POV.


**After tonight's E4 episode, i felt i had to write this.**

** That's it :)**

I've never been one to take advise from others and I'm not about to start now. Following my heart is not something that I'm good at, I guess its because I'm to use to following my head. Today is not a good day for me though, the man I love is going to marry someone else and I'm gutted, I suppose I didn't think they'd make it this far. I thought about telling him that I still love him, I even tried but he didn't give me the chance. See I'm not important to him anymore…those days are well and truly gone. I told him that I needed to speak to him but he just dismissed me, maybe like I had dismissed him times before. How things have changed. I find myself shifting boxes of drinks for their wedding; I couldn't think of anything worse, but Chez asked me and I agreed to do it, sometimes I can't help but wonder where her loyalties lie. As I carry them down the stairs outside the club I see him and I wonder if fate has intervened somehow. Maybe this is my chance; maybe I'm supposed to tell him how much I love him. Why else would he be here?

He looks how I feel, sad and lost and doubting his choices and all I want to do is wrap him up in my arms and take care of him. He is questioning love, telling me how overrated it is and I find myself telling him it's not, that's it's a leap of faith. He asks me what I wanted to talk to him about and I know it might not be what he wants to hear but I need to tell him. He has to know my true feelings; he has a right to know. He should know that he has another option available to him. That life has more to offer than Douglas. I start to tell him, I'm ready for this now. I tell him that I've had a lot of time to think and I'm so close, but he cuts me off and my heart sinks. I hear him loud and clear, the sound of his voice almost deafens me. He tells me that he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with Douglas…that he wanted to and now I want to be anywhere but here, anywhere but next to him.

He tells me he's sorry, that his heads all over the place but mine is as well, what am I to him now some fucking agony aunt? He asks me if I wonder how I ever ended up here and I do wonder…all the time. I wonder how I ever let him go, how I ever pushed him in to the arms of someone else. I wonder why I left it so long to change and why I can't have him back now. I wonder how I ended up here on the stairs of my club with the man I love, but feeling more detached from him than I ever have before. I mostly wonder why he came in to my life only to be taken away from me anyway…I don't want him to leave me. He asks me again what did I want to say but I can't tell him now, the moment has gone…our time has gone and he doesn't want me anymore. I can't put any more pressure on him, it's not fair, it's his big day after all and if he had any doubts then he wouldn't be doing this. He couldn't marry Douglas if he still had feelings for me could he?

I wanted to tell him, I really did but I wanted him to feel the same and seeing him sat here pining for Douglas kind of made me realize that he has moved on. I thought he still had feelings for me; he has supported me, been there for me over the last few months and I suppose I've just taken his kindness the wrong way. I feel so much right now and my heart feels like it's going to burst. I know that he was my first love and I know now that he will be my last; I could never go through this again. I will never know now how beautiful my life could have been with Steven, we really could have had it all…if only I knew then what I know now. Still I have only known pain, misery and suffering so at least I know what to expect. Maybe Steven is right this love shit is overrated. I tell him that I wanted to wish him all the best and for a minute he stares at me like he doesn't believe me. Maybe he wants me to tell him that I love him, that I wish it was our big day today and that I'm nothing without him.

Nothing…I'm used to that, feeling nothing and being nothing…its part of me. His beautiful blue eyes bore in to mine and I think if I don't leave pretty soon that I might break down and cry and men like me well we don't do that. I know that I will regret walking away, but when you love someone that is what you do isn't it? You put their feelings before your own and that is what I'm doing now. His happiness means everything to me; even if it's means he marries Douglas. I really have learnt how to love haven't i?

"That it?" he asks

And reluctantly I reply...

"That's it"

**Please review lovely readers xx xx xx xx**


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